Thursday, February 22, 2007

New Outlook- Thoughts at 2 a.m.

So it is right now 4 minutes until 2:00 a.m. and I am awake. I have no idea why... but here I am... wasting my life away on the internet, and I thought to myself... "now would be a great time to get my thoughts on a blog". A few people have asked me why I havn't been keeping this updated, and so I thought now the opportune time.

As I lie here wondering what in the world I should write about... I guess I am going to go ahead and just write about what I have been thinking lately, and about what I have been going through in my life spiritually, and emotionally.
Life is definitely a rollercoaster. I have most definitely realized this in my 20 years of life. That may not seem like many years to some of you, but to me, I feel like I have learned a lot. College has been a great eye opener in my life, and I feel like this past year alone I have grown so much and sort of realized a lot of traits, or characteristics, no... that's not what I'm looking for... maybe... well I suppose I have just realized who I am. Though, I am still learning and developing as an adult, I feel like even in the past few months, weeks, days even that I have learned a lot about myself. As we grow up in high school, we feel like we have reached our knowledge, we know who we are, and develop sort of that "high school attitude" of being all knowledgeable. Our parents, peers, grandparents, no one can tell us anything we do not already know. WHOA! Was I wrong! This rollercoaster I mentioned earlier? Well college has been the biggest rollercoaster of my life. When I started college, I was ready... I did not always know what I wanted to do with my life... in fact... i still could not tell you for SURE! However, in high school I decided that I had a deep desire and a passion to become a nurse. I wanted to be able to take care of sick people. I imagined myself bedside of my patients, taking care of their every need, making them comfortable in a rough time. So here I am with this dream... this dream that at times has seemed that it would absolutely never be possible. A dream that has been denied, turned down, shot to the ground, trampled on, thrown out, and a girl who has been told it is not possible. "You're just not good enough, you will have to work harder." ................................ ......................................
As I lay silently, and heavily asleep this past Saturday morning, my father knocks on the door and I hear "Well Katy, here is the moment of truth" in my groginess I roll over and pretend I did not hear him (i'm not much of a morning person)... "There is a letter from WVU School of Nursing here"... I tell him "oh's probably just saying they got my application". Well, I grab my glasses, and rip open the letter. I look to the first line of the later following the "Dear Katy," NO CONGRATULATIONS! ... CRAP! Side Note: in applying to the WVU School of Nursing, I was well aware that I was more than likely not going to be accepted... however I had a little bit of hope that they would take into consideration an interview. .. "We are sorry to inform you that your grade point average is not suitable for an interview... blah blah blah... we wish you the best in pursuing a career in Nursing". I look to my Dad and say.. "Yeah that was to be expected" and rolled back over in my bed but could not fall back asleep. I got out of bed and called my mother and let her know the news. The last words I spoke into that telephone were "I'll show them!"

and now to my main point....

I am still waiting to hear from Fairmont State... hence... my sleeplessness tonight. I got a letter saying that I should hear from them by the "latter part of February". ... There are 7 days left of February...

Since last year I have gone through so much in trying to figure out what I should do. Highs and lows, (the rollercoaster.......) from being told by the dean of nursing here at WVU that it was pointless for me to even apply with my GPA... to being told by my sick grandfather "Katy you will be a GREAT nurse someday". Thank You Pap!! I think I'll stick with the latter.

Finally, my mother has always told me in times of trials, and in times of rejoicing, "For I know the plans I have for you", Declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE for a Future." Jeremiah 29:11. I have tried my hardest to live my life by this quote. I know that my life is in God's hands, and that at his right hand is Jesus, who died for my sins and all of the world. I know that if the master and the creator of the universe can create such a great masterpiece, that I can rejoice, in KNOWING and trusting... and being EXCITED that whatever God has in store for me... will be an amazing life just because it is what HE has for me. I am so glad that I can be at peace with that. I do not mean to contradict the entire last paragraph... and maybe somebody out there can give me some words of advice or words of wisdom.... I know not to pray for patience. But how do I get rid of this constant anxiousness and impatience in waiting for what God has for me... (The Letter from Fairmont State University about Nursing School... and then waiting until March sometime about Respiratory Therapy...)

This is an extremely long blog, and I am not even sure it makes any sense.... But I just wanted to update and get my thoughts out to everyone. Thank you for reading... if you made it all the way through I am impressed! I will be sure to update whenever I hear God's plan!!

I love you all and God Bless!!!

Katy :-)

it is now 2:21 a.m.... GOODNIGHT!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Katy the hardest lesson in life is that failures are measured by ourselves and not other people. I am continually amazed at how simple God’s plan is for our lives and how little we recognize because we allow the cacophony of life overwhelm his whispers. If life seems murky, it is because we have stepped into a fog out of the light. Always when we begin to work for God and not with him, we become frustrated because our efforts always fall short. You will find your way loosing sleep and being anxious will not make one difference in the outcome. Nevertheless, it is a family trait, meditate, and take time to allow God’s voice to be heard. There are no small jobs; the hardest view is to see Christ in the most mundane of activities.

Uncle David