Thursday, March 27, 2008

Rambling...

Well, i'm not sure if anyone actually reads this blog.... but if you do.. you may not ever come back here again after reading this post!

{prepare yourselves.... this blog is all over the place!}


As I am a girl.... about once a month I have the intense urge to watch a sappy, girly movie and eat a lot of chocolate. Well, last night was that night for me! I was a little emotional about some things, and that's what I wanted to do. So. I popped in The Notebook, got out the (more than halfway eaten) bag of Dark Chocolate Mini Cadbury Eggs, and got into my bed. It was so nice. ... The first line of the movie REALLY stood out to me last night....

"I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.”

This really stood out because last night, I decided against going to Uganda this summer. I have thought about it for almost a month now I think. I just feel as though it's not my time yet. I realized, that God has put me in this mission field here at Wesleyan, and I can't even handle it... let alone going around the WORLD!! I was just praying so hard about it last night, and I got this complete and utter FEAR come over me. Just so many thoughts. God just sort of revealed that to me. Just not the time right now. Someday though. I am excited for that day. But I have things I need to do here this summer.

So not only has this been bothering me. But my "monthly" girly instincts have kicked in. I honestly have just been so emotional today. Mood swings GALORE! You would think I were going crazy if you were my boyfriend today (because I'm pretty sure he thinks that right now as he is driving home from the beach...) Anyways! I have just gone from being happy, to really mad, to upset and lonely all in like an hour. I just sometimes feel like my entire life I have had to fight to "fit in". It's almost as though I feel like I have to apologize to people for being a Christian. For standing up for something. I just hate feeling as though I am not a good enough Christian because sometimes I am persuaded or influenced instead of being the one doing the influencing and being the light.
I want to be the salt and light of the Earth that God talks about in Matthew Chapther 5.
"You are the Salt of the Earth. But if the Salt loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see YOUR good deeds and Praise YOUR father in Heaven." Everyone always has this perception that because I don't go out and get drunk, or go have sex with my boyfriend that I am not "cool" or I can't "have fun". Well, neither of those things sounds fun to me! I am tired of being the one being judged. I know that I am not a perfect example at all times. Being a christian is not about being PERFECT! It's about being happy in times of sadness and sorrow. It's about having something to live for in this world that people are CONSTANTLY searching for something to make them happy. It's about knowing that the ONE AND ONLY GOD sent his ONE AND ONLY SON, to DIE on a CROSS for ME!!! For the WORLD! For all of our sins! That is an amazing thing!!!!! I just do not understand how people cannot accept this. How that cannot bring them the greatest joy of their entire lives.

Granted, there are days that my life seems AWFUL! That I am constantly overwhelmed, constantly crying or upset that I have so much work to do. But deep inside me, even on those days, I have the greatest joy in the world! Because even in that moment, I know that it is okay! Because God is MY FATHER! He is my joy, and he is what I live for. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, not for nursing school, not for friends, not for alcohol or drugs, not for sex, not for anything the WORLD can offer me.... but the most POWERFUL, ALMIGHTY, AMAZING, HEAVENLY, God is my strength! He is my happiness! I love Him with All of my heart, soul and mind.

I just want to be accepted for that and I want people to understand!!! I want to tell the whole world! But, sometimes I let myself be influenced. Sometimes instead of showing this. I let the world get me down and I let people see my sorrows and my sadness instead of my joy. I just want people to look at me, to see that I am happy! I just want them to look at me and say "I want whatever it is she has... because she is one HAPPY girl!"

Nursing school is HARD! Probably the hardest thing I have ever done so far. There are so many days that I complain, whine, cry, be sad, get mad, argue, and just down right act bitter and hateful. I do not want people to think that this is what being a Christian is all about. I want people to realize that just because I am a Christian. I am not perfect. I still have to live in this world and suffer just as everyone else does. But I live for the joy that I know I will have eternal life with my Heavenly Father someday and that in this world right now, today, HE is what I have to bring me joy.


Okay... enough rambling!

If you made it this far I am so impressed with you right now!!!!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Katy:

You are wise beyond your years....I can honestly say that you make your Dad and I so proud of your stand for Christ. Life is HARD....Very hard.....Sometimes, so hard we all FALL but the LORD is there to PICK US UP.

Anything worth having is HARD and worth working for.

Stand Firm....Continue to Love GOD with all your HEART....PUT on the FULL ARMOR of GOD everyday and you can FIGHT the enemy because HE will test you often.

We love you and are so proud that GOD gave you to us.

MOM

T@R@ said...

well, while i'm sad you won't be going to uganda with me i am glad that you are following what God is calling you to do

i know it is hard being a Christian in a secular world sometimes...Jesus promised that it would be but He also said ""I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33....HE has already overcome every situation you will face and loves you even when you feel like you blow it....one of the best quotes i have heard is (and i am probably paraphrasing this big time!)"the world doesn't want Christians to be perfect, they want them to stop acting like they are" ....so your realness, your transparency, even your failures can point others to Christ, to a God who loves them even when they aren't perfect, when they fail and falter, and when they are weak because that's when His strength is most evident

well this might be as long as your blog...ha...so i will quit rambling myself ;) love you girl and love the way you pursue Christ!

Kristina said...

Katy,
I tell you what...you and what you call your "ramblings" have pointed me in a new direction. Just like you and your nursing school, being a new mom makes me want to be angry at the world and downright bitter sometimes. But I have to keep remembering that God has given me a wonderful gift and said, "this is no more than you can handle" so I have to believe that even though all is not well at the moment, it will be in the end! Keep posting girl, we are reading!!